Sue to Mark 21
For once, words fail me. I'm not sure how to express all I'm thinking and feeling. But I've been crying for the last two hours. Your e-mail this morning began to chip away at the deepest frozen part of me and something is happening. I guess I could start by saying that I feel unworthy of a man of your caliber. I really don't know how to explain or qualify that - but the depth, the quality, the sweetness of your heart - I simply am humbled. I suppose I sense an unguessed-at joy about to burst upon me, and I wonder - why me? Others suffer so unremittingly, suffer for years with little relief or joy. Others are more patient, more loving, more trusting. Why am I given so much so soon? It is a genuine puzzle. I suppose it is something like the puzzle of salvation. A gift of unspeakable proportions given abundantly, freely, with no thought, no mention of merit. What wondrous love is this!
And so this is my prayer: I pray for nothing less than the creation of our best selves through this wonderful thing that is happening between us. Christ's love remakes us in his image and I think that is the highest calling of the best of loves. I have been afraid that the realities of my flip side (which you really won't know until we are together) would inevitably snuff out the wonderfulness - but a strange thought occurred to me the other day: could the Lord be using you to draw my imperfections out of me? I would welcome that with all my heart and submit to the "surgery" with patience and courage. I'm just not sure how I can return the favor. From my current vantage point, I can see little about your walk that needs direction or influence. Please share your thoughts here with me - what can I contribute to the shaping of your best self?
I want to share this e.e. cummings poem with you - which expresses so much of the - something - welling up inside of me . . .