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 Recent Heartwork

Sue to Mark 4, part 2

      . . . when you asked me about any "issues." I guess this is my issue: I'm still in shock. Roger's death was a bolt from the blue - a ruptured-aneurysm-here-one-second-gone-the-next-type deal. I have been in emotional deep freeze. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, like I'm sort of hovering above myself, watching me walk through the days with a detached but kindly interest. Like you, I'm very introspective and self-analysis has been cheap entertainment, so I'm guessing that part of my detachment may be fear of utter disintegration, fear of the depth of the pain, or fear of the consequences for my children if I lost it. But it's more complicated than that, too. Some of it (my emotional zombi-ism) probably is rooted in the nature of my relationship with Roger, our circumstances, and my personality, which, I found out at an educator's conference last week, is extremely whole-brained. I'm pragmatic, matter-of-fact, poetic and creative all at once. I was glad to hear that that's ok because until then I felt mildly schizophrenic.

          Related to all this is the needs-going-unmet issue. My way of coping with needs that aren't met is to simply not have those needs that can't be met. Brilliant!! Must be the pragmatist in me. This one needs analysis that's out of my depth, I'm afraid! I imagine our "needs" list is about the same: rest, help, emotional comfort, companionship, and that other one that I don't know if I should mention or not. Sorry. Here again, I'm not much help in the workable solution department.

         To return to a previous topic, I don't really know where I am in the grieving process. And I don't know where the girls are, either. They have been incredibly resilient. It's like they didn't miss but a beat or two. They are actually thriving, in fact. I have been to see a counselor at Emalee's school. (She goes to a different private school) She is at the critical age where she needs healthy affirmation from a significant male and there is no one for her (granddaddies live out of town and the one uncle - Roger's brother -- who is in town is a well-meaning, but rather non-verbal workaholic like her daddy was. He also has three daughters of his own.

       This may not be anything you can identify with. But you did ask for "no easy problems with pretty spiritual lessons." And this is a small bit of an incredibly complex deal, but I've tried to be honest, even if I haven't been very specific. Many things have gone through my mind tonight. It has been so draining (figuratively and literally - I've gone through at least six Kleenexes) - but I feel like some thawing has happened, anyway, and though painful, it is the only way to really live again
I am going out of town this week to Austin. I'm accompanying the 6th grade on their class trip, so I'll be out of pocket for a few days. The house thing is kind of a long story, so I'll save it for another time . . . I want to discuss your painting, too. Is it an emotional outlet for you and did it change any during the time of Glenda's illness and death?











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