Mark to Sue 4
Friday, April 11
No, I didn't know that you are an English teacher, but your writing is very skillfully constructed and I suppose I sensed something from that. Thanks for letting me off the hook - I won't worry too much about errors in the future.
I agree with you regarding the "rough-handling" by God. And I do feel privileged in a strange way. When Glenda was diagnosed with cancer we both realized that God had sent us into another orbit. Suddenly, we saw everything differently and our dependence on God became more real (obvious, tangible or something) - or maybe our lack of dependence on Him became obvious, and we learned how to accept each moment as God's gift (that sounds like trite Christian jargon, ah, but no editing!) While we hoped for many more moments, we knew they might not be, and God was calling all the shots. Even today, I struggle with planning too intently for the future and I miss the thrill of just watching God's plan unfold - His way.
Your phrase "stringing along somewhat reluctantly on faith" is accurate. You seem to be doing far better than I am in this regard. Like you, I have all the head knowledge about our Father and scripture, and I can rightly determine where to go with my head, but the heart is slow to follow. I feel let down by God but at the same time I know He hasn't really let me down. He's just requiring me to take a different course. I have no choice but to follow, because I've been with Him too long to turn back. I have seen His goodness and His glory, and I will see it again - if for just a while I am confused. Things are compounded by the fact that I am pretty introspective (a good quality to have if you're an artist or a creative type, but not so good if you're called upon to be a spiritual leader - but then Moses didn't do so bad.) I think God indulges me -- allows me to wallow in anger, frustration or other thoughts that are definitely NOT "spirit led". If only I could be that patient and gracious as a father.
Now, to answer some of your questions: