Sue to Mark 2
Thursday, April 1
Well, Iím sure youíve given up on me by now. I have had a passel (passle?) of trouble since the last letter I wrote you, the least of which was technical difficulties with my e-mail. I am so computer-clueless. I depended on Rogerís techno expertise and Iím afraid he shielded me from most technology-related frustration. In a nutshell, I got the personal secretary service on the line my computer modem is hooked up to and I never bothered to learn the access code. So when a phone message came in (a telephone solicitor, no doubt) I couldnít go in and cancel the message. Nor could I send or receive any e-mail (the computer thought my line was busy) until I got it cleared up with GTE, which took all of two weeks! Thatís more than a nutshell, but it is something of a microcosmic glimpse into my life, where nothing is as simple as it should be!
I could relate to the sense of isolation you mentioned. Iíve seen that somewhat ďglazedĒ expression on friendsí faces, too. I donít fault them. It is a defense mechanism, I think. Good friends live each otherís lives vicariously, sort of, and the loss of a spouse is so unthinkable. There is a point beyond which they simply cannot go and that is where we are most alone.
But, ironically, that is where I feel Godís presence most profoundly. I feel alone and filled up all at once. It is very paradoxical . . . as you say, these thoughts are difficult to express and difficult to understand. I do know this, however. Our suffering, our lonely journey, is not for nothing. God will use it Ė is using it Ė for something glorious. We wonít know the full scope of His plans until Heaven, but I love to imagine what might be born of my love for Him and my fidelity to this journey to which He has called me.
You think you need an audible word of affirmation from God. But maybe you need to listen for His voice with different ears. And perhaps focus not on the filling of your needs and desires, but His. (Whoa! Is this a little too theologically personal for a new friendship?) I donít know why, but I keep having this sneaking suspicion that our deepest peace, our highest satisfaction, our sweetest desire will be granted when we abandon ourselves completely to Godís will. Unfortunately, Iím finding that all indicators point to the certainty that self-abandonment is contrary to human nature. Iím failing pretty spectacularly in that department myself.
But I can have this thought. And I can keep trying.
I will keep trying, even though I am weary and very much in need of prayer. My life has been massively overwhelming lately.
Godís continuing grace to you Ė